Harvey, ND

To discipline means to teach! What discipline is:

Discipline is a strong effective way to teach…

• Positive behaviors
• Positive ways to express feelings
• Positive ways to play
• Family values
• Safety for the child, other people and things.

 What discipline is not:

Discipline is not punishment. Punishment may:

• Make young children feel unloved
• Make them feel they are bad
• Focus on what is wrong without teaching what is right.

 What’s important to remember:

• Your toddler is beginning to find out that she is her own person. She may say, “No!” and “Me do it!”
• Your toddler has a memory, but it is very short. He needs to repeat something over and over before it stays in his memory. He is not trying to be bad when he plays with the TV buttons after you’ve told him to stop. He just doesn’t remember the rule yet!
• Toddlers act without thinking. If they see something to climb, they’ll climb it…without thinking how to get down.
• Toddlers can’t plan ahead. They can’t wait. They want things NOW! This doesn’t mean your toddler is greedy, selfish or bad. It’s just a normal part of growing up.

 Here’s the secret to teaching a toddler:

• Help the toddler want to do what you want him to do! For example say, “I’ll bet you’re not strong enough to carry your plate to the sink.”
• Teaching a toddler with love and respect will earn you two rewards. Right now, you will have more fun and fewer messes. In the future, your child will see you as loving and caring and will want to please you.

 Smart discipline

• Make your house safe for your toddler. She is curious and will taste and touch everything she sees. Move things out of reach if they are dangerous or can be broken. That way you won’t have to fuss or say, “No!”
• Distract your child from something you don’t want him to do. For example, if he starts to chew on a crayon, give him a toy or a cracker instead.
• Praise your toddler again and again for doing something right. For example, “You are growing up. You put the jello in your mouth instead of your hair.”
• Use DO rules so your toddler can learn what to do instead of what not to do. For example, “Use your inside voice” instead of “Don’t yell in the house.”
• Set routines for meals, bedtime, bath time. Toddlers behave better when they know what to expect.
• Make sure your correction fits the situation. For example, if your child draws on the wall, take away her crayons for a while – and help her clean up the wall.

Time Out! 

It’s been around since dunce caps and corners. With a modern twist, Time Out can be a valuable discipline tool.

As we go about the business of teaching our children proper behavior, there are times when emotions threaten to get out of control. When this happens, it’s wise to separate yourself from your child so that you can both cool off. Time Out can be used as an effective, positive tool. There are three different ways to use Time Out, each having a different purpose.

1. To give the child the time and space to cool off and calm down. The key here is in the attitude of the parent. In advance, let your child know that when her behavior is out of control she’ll be asked to go to her room. Tell her that when she is calm and under control she may join the family. How she chooses to use the time is her business, as long as it’s respectful of people and property. Screaming or pounding the door is not acceptable; reading a book or other activities is fine. This is a valuable life skill that will prevent your child from “flying off the handle” and saying and doing things she might regret later. Never drag a child to his Time Out. This robs you of the upper hand and makes you look foolish. Let him know in advance that when asked to remove himself he needs to do so immediately. If he does not, he’ll be choosing to give up a privilege [one you have specified in advance], in addition to the Time Out.

1. To give a parent the time and space to cool off and calm down. There are times when we get so angry at our children that we want to scream, hit or ground them for life! This is the time to use a four-letter-word: EXIT. Make a brief statement, “I’m so angry I need a minute to think.” Then go to your room or send the child to his room so that you can calm down and regroup. This will help you get yourself under control, and it provides good modeling for your children.

1. As a method for stopping specific misbehavior. This can be an excellent way to put an immediate stop to a child’s actions. It brings a strong message, “This behavior is unacceptable and it will stop now.” There are several keys:

·        Be quick. Catch your child in the act. Delayed reactions dilute the effect.

·        Use selectively. Use for hitting, talking back, and whining or other specific problems. Don’t over-use.

·        Keep calm. Your anger only adds fuel to the fire and changes the focus from behavior of the child to your anger. This prevents you from being in control.

Stick with it. Once you say “Time Out!” don’t back down or be talked out of it. If you decide to use Time Out to control hitting, for example, use it every time your child hits, even if he spends most of the day in Time Out! Eventually, he’ll decide that it’s more fun to play without hitting than to sit alone in his room.

Ten Guidelines for Raising a Well-Behaved Child 

1.                  Whenever possible, teach rather than punish. The goal of discipline is to teach children acceptable behavior. Hitting children does not teach acceptable behavior, it teaches children that “might makes right” and hitting is a way to solve problems.

2.                  View children’s misbehavior as a mistake in judgment. It will be easier to think of ways to teach more acceptable behavior.

3.                  Whenever possible, make consequences relate to misbehavior. If a child hurts someone’s feelings, the child should apologize. If the child makes a mess, he/she should clean it up.

4.                  Have behavior rules but make sure they are few in number, reasonable, and appropriate to the child’s age and development.

5.                  Make sure that consequences for misbehavior are reasonable and clear.

6.                  Don’t argue or nag children about rules. If a rule is broken, remind the child of the rule and the consequence for not following the rule. When you give a command, speak in a firm voice and repeat the command only twice.

7.                  If your child has many behaviors which concern you, don’t try to change all of them at once. Choose one behavior of concern. Explain why the behavior is a problem. Provide consequences for misbehavior when your child demonstrates it.

8.                  Distract infants and toddlers when they are doing something you don’t like or remove them from the situation. Infants and toddlers do not understand right and wrong and should not be hit or shaken.

9.                  Use good manners when talking to children about their behavior. Be sure to use “I’m sorry,” “May I?” and “Excuse me” when they are appropriate. Be a good model for your children in your speech and actions.

10.              Catch your child being good! Your praise or hug will increase appropriate behavior.

For more information about SpankOut Day USA, effective parenting tips, research, laws, and worldwide progress, visit www.stophitting.com

 Distributed by Prevent Child Abuse North Dakota www.StopChildAbuseND.com

The word “sibling” refers to brothers and sisters and “sibling rivalry” means the competitive feelings and actions that often occur among children in the family. There are things that you can do to try to reduce sibling rivalry.

• Treat each child as an individual. Help them understand that they are treated differently by you and have different privileges and responsibilities because they are different individuals.

• Respect each child’s space, toys, and time when he wants to be alone, away from his sibling.

• Avoid labeling or comparing one child to the other. This feeds into their competitiveness.

• When a new child comes into the family, adequately prepare the older sibling for her new important role. Make her feel like it’s her baby, too.

• Play detective. Watch and note when siblings are not getting along [before dinner, in the car, before bed] and plan separate quiet activities for those times.

• Watch how you treat each child to see if you are contributing to the rivalry. Make sure you are not playing favorites.

• Have realistic expectations of how they should get along, cooperate, share and like each other.

• Positively reinforce them when they are getting along or when they solve their own conflicts.

• Make each child feel special and important. Try to spend one-on-one time with each child every day.

 Take time out for yourself to re-energize. Remember, sibling rivalry is a normal and expected part of a family

About Teen Suicide 

When a teen commits suicide, everyone is affected. Family members, friends, teammates, neighbors, and sometimes even those who didn’t know the teen well might experience feelings of grief, confusion, guilt – and the sense that if only they had done something differently, the suicide could have been prevented. The reasons behind a teen’s suicide or attempted suicide are often complex. 

To help sort through these issues, and to learn the warning signs that your teen might need help, it’s important to understand what you can do to help. 

Which Kids Are at Risk for Suicide? 

You might not remember how it felt to be a teen, caught in that gray area between childhood and adulthood. Sure, it’s a time of great possibility but it can also be a period of great confusion and anxiety. There’s pressure to fit in socially, to perform academically, and to act responsibly. There’s the awakening of sexual feelings, a growing self-identity, and a need for autonomy that often conflicts with the rules and expectations set by others. 

A teen with an adequate support network of friends, family, religious affiliations, peer groups, or extracurricular activities may have an outlet to deal with everyday frustrations. But many teens don’t believe they have that, and feel disconnected and isolated from family and friends. These teens are at increased risk for suicide.

Factors that increase the risk of suicide among teens include:

• The presence of a psychological disorder, especially depression, bipolar disorder, and alcohol and drug use.
• Feelings of distress, irritability, or agitation
• Feelings of hopelessness and worthlessness that often accompany depression
• A previous suicide attempt
• A family history of depression or suicide
• Having suffered physical or sexual abuse
• Lack of support network, poor relationships with parents or peers, and feelings of social isolation
• Dealing with homosexuality in an unsupportive family or community or hostile school environment 

Warning Signs 

Suicide among teens often occurs following a stressful life event, such as a perceived failure at school, a breakup with a boyfriend or girlfriend, the death of a loved one, a divorce or a major family conflict. 

A teen who is thinking about suicide may: 

• Talk about suicide or death in general
• Talk about “going away”
• Talk about feeling hopeless or feeling guilty
• Pull away from friends or family
• Lose the desire to take part in favorite things or activities
• Have trouble concentrating or thinking clearly
• Experience changes in eating or sleeping habits
• Exhibit self-destructive behavior 

What Can You Do? 

Most teens who commit or attempt suicide have given some type of warning to loved ones ahead of time. So it’s important to know the warning signs so that kids who might be suicidal can get the help they need. 

Watch and Listen 

Keep a close eye on a child who seems depressed and withdrawn. Poor grades, for example, may signal that your teen withdrawing at school. 

It’s important to keep the lines of communication open and express your concern, support, and love. If your teen confides in you, it’s important to show that you take those concerns seriously, A fight with a friend may not seem like a big deal to you in the larger scheme of things, but for a teen, a situation like that can seem immense and consuming. It’s important not to minimize or discount what your teen is going through. This may increase his or her sense of hopelessness. 

If your teen doesn’t feel comfortable talking with you, you may want to suggest a more neutral person, such as another relative, a clergy member, a coach, a school counselor, or your child’s doctor. 

Ask Questions 

Some parents are reluctant to ask teens if they have been thinking about suicide or hurting themselves. Some fear that if they ask, they will plant the idea of suicide in their teens head. 

It’s always a good idea to ask, even though doing so can be difficult. Sometimes it helps to let someone know why you’re asking. For instance, you might say: “I’ve noticed that you’ve been talking a lot about want to be dead. Have you been having thoughts about trying to kill yourself?” 

Get Help 

If you learn that a child is thinking about suicide, get help immediately. A doctor can refer you to a psychologist or a psychiatrist, or your local hospital’s department of psychiatry can provide a list of doctors in your area. Your local mental health association can also provide references. 

If your teen is in an emergency situation, your local emergency room can conduct a comprehensive psychiatric evaluation and refer you to the appropriate resources. 

If you’ve scheduled an appointment with a mental health professional, make sure to keep the appointment, even if your teen says he or she is feeling better. Suicidal thoughts tend to come and go; however, it is important that your teen get help developing the skills necessary to decrease the likelihood that suicidal thoughts and behaviors will emerge again if a crisis arises in the future. 

If your teen refuses to go to the appointment, discuss this with the mental health professional – you may consider attending the session and working with the clinician to make sure your teen has access to the help needed. The clinician might also be able to help you devise strategies to help your teen want to get help. 

Remember that any ongoing conflicts between parent and child can fuel the fire for a teen who is feeling isolated, misunderstood, devalued, or suicidal. Get help to air family problems and resolve them in a constructive way. Also let the mental health professional know if there is a history of depression, substance abuse, family violence, or other stresses at home, such as an ongoing environment of criticism. 

Helping Teens Cope with Loss 

What should you do if someone your teen knows, perhaps a friend or a classmate, has attempted or committed suicide? First, acknowledge your child’s many emotions. Some teens say they feel guilty – especially those who felt they could have interpreted their friend’s actions and words better. 

Others say they feel angry with the person who committed or attempted suicide for having done something so selfish. Still others say they feel no strong emotions. All of these reactions are appropriate; emphasize to your teen that there is no right or wrong way to feel. 

When someone attempts suicide and survives, people may be afraid of or uncomfortable about talking with him or her about it. Tell your teen to resist this urge; this is a time when a person absolutely needs to feel connected to others. 

Many schools address a student’s suicide by calling in special counselors to talk with the students and help them deal with their feelings. If your teen is having difficulty dealing with a friend or classmate’s suicide, it’s best to make use of these resources or to talk to you or another trusted adult.